KIEV-MACAU [ONE MAN, 5.5 WEEKS, 6300 MILES]

DEBUT ENTRY OF MY PHOTOGRAPHIC TOUR OF RUSSIA, THE UKRAINE, MONGOLIA, CHINA, HONG KONG AND [SAR] MACAU.

IN ORDER TO GROW, A MAN MUST EXPERIENCE LIFE. TO TRAVEL RUSSIA IS TO SEE LIFE. LIFE IN ALL ITS HIDEOUS TRUTH.

AS PART OF A BOOK, CURRENTLY IN DEVELOPMENT, I WILL BE ENTERING EXCERPTS AND IMAGES, BOTH OF WHICH HAVE BEEN EXHIBITED IN ICELAND [FEB 2008]



DAY 1

NOTHING HAS CHANGED, THIS IS NO LONGER EUROPE. REMIND ME NEVER TO DISMOUNT AN AIRCRAFT WEARING A TRENCH COAT/MOLESKIN HAT/DURAN DURAN T-SHIRT AS LONG AS I LIVE.
A PARADE OF NOT JUST VERY BLANK BUT VERY UGLY FACES GREATS YOU IN KIEV. THE MOUTHS ATTACHED TO THE AFORE MENTIONED, EJACULATE THE MOST FOUL AND OFFENSIVE NOISES FOR WHAT PASSES AS CONVERSATION. THE REST STARE THROUGH YOU AS IF YOU WERE THE MOST INSIGNIFICANT AND INEFFECTUAL OBJECT.

AFTER BEING SHAKEN, PULLED AND AGGRESSIVELY CONFRONTED BY AN OVER ZEALOUS TEENAGE TAXI DRIVER, IT SUDDENLY OCCURRED TO ME THAT I COULD SPEAK GERMAN. THIS SEEMED TO BE QUITE A SUCCESSFUL REVELATION, UNTIL ANOTHER SPADE-FACED THUG HAD A SIMILAR EPIPHANY.

HIS GERMAN WAS BETTER THAN MINE. I RAN ONTO THE NEAREST BUS, THIS TURNED OUT TO BE GOING IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF KIEV AND THEREFORE, DESPITE IT PAINFULLY CRAMPED INTERIOR SERVED IT IMMEDIATE AND SOMEWHAT DESPERATE PURPOSE.

WRITING THIS TODAY, I AM CONVINCED, THAT BEING CRAMPED BETWEEN A RUSTY WINDOW FRAME AND AN OVERWEIGHT SEX OFFENDER ON A SMELLY 45 YEAR OLD WEST GERMAN SCHOOL BUS WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY FIRST DAY IN KIEV.

THERE IS SOMETHING INTRINSICALLY HONEST ABUT FEELING AND SMELLING LIKE A UKRAINIAN SARDINE, BEARING THIS IN MIND, DON’T EAT THE FISH.

LIKE A FILM, IVE DREAMT BUT NEVER SEEN, A DISTOPIAN CANDYMANS CHICAGO, OR THAT BBC DOCUMENTARY ON SEX TOURISTS IN BUCHAREST, THE APARTMENT BLOCKS, INSANE LONELY AND PROUD, EMOTIONALLY CRIPPLING IN SCALE AND MOUTH-WATERINGLY DELICIOUS IN THEIR BELLIGERENCE.

LIKE DUSTY FINGERS RADIATING FROM THE CITIES WARTY AND ROTTEN SOUL, CLUSTERS OF CAULIFLOWERS ERUPT FROM ITS SKIN, LIKE SOME AWFUL BUT POPULAR SEXUAL INFECTION.
EVERY CITIZEN’S WORST NIGHTMARE, MY DREAM COME TRUE.

I ALIGHTED THE BUS AT WHAT SEEMED TO BE A BUSTLING TRANSPORT HUB. SWEATY AND BEWILDRED, I STAGGERED LIKE RAPED PENGUIN ON A SUNNY BEACH, FLOUNDERING FOR SOMETHING, FINDING ONLY TRAGICALLY DRESSED TEENAGERS AND SOLDIERS WITH HATS, THAT ON 97% OF THE DEVELOPED HUMAN SKULL WOULD BE FAR TOO BIG, I WAS LOST.

IT WAS NOW 5.30PM, WITH GIN IN MY BELLY AND FAILURE ON MY FACE, I MADE WHAT, TO MOST PEOPLE WOULD SEEM TO BE THE LOGICAL DECISION AND MADE FOR THE METRO, IN THE VAIN HOPE THAT IT MIGHT MAGICALLY TRANSPORT ME TO MY CORRECT DESTINATION [KONTRAKTOVIA PLOSCHA]WITH EASE. I WAS BANG WRONG.

AFTER BEING BUNDLED INTO A BROOM CUPBOARD BY TWO OF THE MOST AGGRESSIVELY SEVERE INDIVIDUALS, MY SCREAMS FOR HELP WERE NO LONGER AUDIBLE AS THE DOOR SLAMMED AND A FAT SWEATY FIST PUSHED OVER MY MOUTH. A PAINFUL RESIGNATION DESCENDED UPON ME, PINNED AGAINST THE SOAPY PLASTER IN ROOM WHERE FRIGHTENED PEASANTS STARED BLANKLY INTO THE DISTANCE, UPON LEAVING, THE ROOM I WAS 70 PERCENT SURE I WOULD DIE IN, I DEPOSITED MY PLASTIC COIN TOKEN [1/2 GRIVNA] AND DESCENDED INTO PERHAPS THE DEEPEST TUNNEL EVER CONCEIVED. .
ITS NOT LIKE LONDON, YOU CAN’T PLAY GAMES. THE NOTION OF TACITLY BLOCKING A MIDDLE AGED SECRETARY SUDDENLY SEEMED DISINGENUOUS.
NAVIGATION OF THESE ELABORATE BOMB SHELTERS, PROVED CLOSE TO IMPOSSIBLE, ATTEMPTS AT LANGUAGE ARE MET WITH BOTH FRACTIOUS OBSTINATE REACTIONS, ONE MUST STAGGER FOR MILES TO CONNECT WITH DIFFERENT LINES, VIA COMPLEX STAIR/RAMP WALKWAY SYSTEMS, AND EVEN THEN YOU STILL DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE.

I ARRIVED AT THE WRONG STATION; I GOT OUT AT THE WRONG EXIT AND SPOKE TO THE WRONG BLOKE, THAT IS IF YOU WANT TO ACHIEVE ANY FORM OF PRODUCTIVE CONVERSATION.

I GOT TO THE HOSTEL, BEHIND THE BACK OF SOME ALLEYWAY IN AN APARTMENT BLOCK ON THE FIRST FLOOR. I WAS THERE TWENTY MINUTES. THE HOSTEL BURNT DOWN.

AFTER WATCHING FIREMAN SMASH OUT THE WINDOWS ONTO MY FACE, TELEVISIONS THROWN ONTO MY FEET AND RETRIEVING MY SODDEN SACK OF CLOTHES FROM THE CHARD REMAINS OF THE GUESTHOUSE, I CHUCKED THEM INTO THE SWEATY BOOT OF THE SKODA AND WAS TRANSPORTED TO AN AFFILIATED HOSTEL, ON THE FIFTH FLOOR OF A DESERTED APARTMENT BLOCK FORTIFIED BEHIND AN ADMINISTRATION BUILDING OF THE AMERICAN EMBASSY.

ITS 10PM. I HAVEN’T EATEN, AND MY MOUTH FEELS AS IF ITS BEEN VACUUMED, HEATED AND FITTED WITH A SANDPAPER CARPET.

I AM TIRED.

DUE TO MY WEAKENED AND RAPIDLY DELIRIOUS STATE OF MIND, I WAS OBLIGED TO ACCOMPANY AN AMERICAN AND A PONY TAILED SPANIARD INTO THE CENTRE IN SEARCH OF [FOR SCOTT- A SEXY-ASSED LADY, FOR ME- SOME KIND OF SANDWICH/PIZZA BASED PRODUCT, 3. FOR PABLO- SOME SORT OF CONVERSATION]
PABLO WENT HOME. ME AND SCOTT DESCENDED INTO ‘INDEPENDENCE SQUARE’, WHERE I GOT A BOTTLE OF TUBORG GOLD AND SOME CHIPS.

DAY 2- KIEV